Here's To You, Mr. Brown

There lives a man, deep in the shadows of the heartland of this great country. He simply does his job, at least when his manager lets him.

This is the life of Emil Brown.

The former Pirate, Padre and Oakland Athletic lives his life in quizzical Royalistic hell.

Drafted in 1994, Emil Quincy Brown didn't see the friendly confines of Three Rivers Stadium until 1997. It wasn't until 2001 that this 6th round pick, at one point considered the proverbial "5-tool-player" (whatever that means nowadays), got to see regular time. Long story short, he didn't exactly capitalize. Stuck in a logjam behind a starting outfield of Gary Matthews Jr., Brian Giles (back when he could hit the ball out of a Major League ballpark), and John Vander Wal. He did play over 60 games, but 3 homers and a batting average barely over the interstate wasn't enough to warrant extended playing time.

For three years after, he bounced around baseball, though not on any particular diamonds. Tampa Bay, Cincinnati, St. Louis, Houston. These franchises all passed on Emil's services. The longest tenure he had with a team was 15 months-with Houston, and he didn't play a second.

Finally though, a team with a recent track record nearly as distinguished as Emil's recent past decided to take a chance on him. Yes, I speak of only one team-the Kansas City Royals. They had lost 100 or more games two of the past three seasons. Really, what did they have to lose?

Emil inherited the spot occupied by Abraham Nunez, Aaron Guiel, and Matt Stairs. Not exactly a garden variety crew of All-Stars, to say the least.

In his first season, Brown was second on the team in games played, ABs, hits, homeruns, and walks. He lead the team in RBIs, steals, and runs. Overall, there wasn't much debating the idea that he was the best offensive player for the Royals throughout the season.

Fast-forward to the next season, 2006. Brown almost equals his previous season's stats and is either in the lead or top 3 for every single offensive category. And how did the Royals reward the man that had led the team in RBIs two years in a row? Well, apparently not with a guaranteed roster spot.

Opening day against Boston? Not quite. Thus far, he's only played in 64 of the team's 88 games. Yet, with all this said, Brown still is second on the team in RBIs.

Confused? You should be.

Brown doesn't say much, and, quite frankly, he doesn't hit much either, at least this year. Going into the All-Star break, he's hitting a paltry .227. But, the team is only hitting a combined .259, which ranks 10th in the AL. Not good.

Well, I'm sure you're wondering who has taken Brown's spot in left field. Primarily, the former D-Ray speedster, Joey Gathright. Not the worst choice, he is hitting over .300, but still bats in the bottom third of the order when he does play. Brown? He bats cleanup. So, you're cleanup hitter isn't an everyday player? And you wonder why you're in last place in your division?

The issue is simply this: Brown is a good story. Here's a guy no one has heard of, who was out of baseball for three straight seasons, and then, when given a chance to play all season, puts together two very solid seasons. For the two seasons, an average of 16 HRs, 84 RBIs and a .286 BA. Not bad at all.

And now, what is he? An occasional player, a frequent cleanup hitter, benchwarmer to Joey Gathright. That's what it has boiled down to. Really, it's too bad. But hey, that's what happens in Royal-ville. When winning games is a top priority, the good story is sometimes sacrificed for the better player.

"And so it goes, and so it goes."

Hapless Hobos

There are two positions in Major League Baseball that seem to be the constant home for vagabonds and hobos: Catcher and Closer. For the purpose of clarity, we'll focus just on closers in this rant.

Last night, Putting It In Reverse had the priviledge of getting to see one of these bums up close and personal. Giants CL Armando Benitez (of Yankees and Mariners fame) came into the game, his team leading 4-3 in the bottom of the 12th inning.

After wisely walking leadoff hitter Jose Reyes, Benitez refused to give Joey Kings the chance to steal a base on his own. Instead, Armando balked, not once, but twice. The sequence went as follows: balk, bunt, balk, run. Then, in classic Armando Benitez style, he got one man out, then actually got 2 strikes on the next batter.

Unfortunately, that 91 mph fastball doesn't get the kind of mileage that Benitez would like. Delgado deposited the 2-2 pitch into the right field stands. This came only 4 days after Benitez's most recent appearance, in which he lost the game, surrendering two runs.

Though anyone in the Tri-State area has seen these sorts of meltdowns before, Tuesday night's against the Mets has to rank up there as the most glaringly horrific. The simple fact that he balked twice, one sending Reyes home, should be enough to have him either shot or cut. Or both.

Yet, Sr. Benitez isn't the only jerk manning the last inning in the majors. In Cleveland, "Sweaty" Joe Borowski looms at the horizon, scaring opposing teams with his stellar 6.75 ERA. All said, he's tied for second in the league with 17 saves. His AL Central buddy, Todd Jones must have naked pictures of Bud Selig. He's been bringing his tired act all around the country, writing Sporting News columns with blank hats along the way. His career ERA is over 4, and yet, he's still around. What about in the NL Central, our pals Ryan Dempster and Dan Wheeler? They've got jobs too, and if memory serves, they've never been anything other than remotely average. The list goes on. Salomon Torres, Al Reyes, Bob Wickman.

Think the game is getting too specialized? You may be right.

An A Bomb, For A Rod

Well, 14 of them, to be exact. It's almost becoming laughable, isn't it? 14 homeruns in his team's first 18 games. That's a record, he became the fastest to 13 in the second inning and the fastest to 14 in the ninth. But, still, it's not enough for Alex Rodriguez and the Yankees, they're 8-10 and have lost 4 straight. It begs the question, how bad would this team be without Mr. Rodriguez.

A little context, first of all. This is the same man who, just a season ago, endured boo's not seen anywhere in baseball this side of the Golden Gate Bridge. Couldn't hit in the clutch, couldn't against the Red Sox, couldn't hit against the Mets. Now, he hits against everyone, at every time.

Quite simply, A Rod is shitting on Major League Baseball, night in and night out. Or, as John Kruk put it more elegantly, he's "making a mockery of the game". And, to be fair, there really isn't much arguing with that point. Regardless of wins or losses for the Yankees, this guy is swinging like's got a fungo bat in his hand.

The ball hit in the 9th inning of Al Reyes earlier tonight was not a matter of if, but rather how far. As soon as it came out of Reyes hand, everyone in Tampa knew Rodriguez would've had to really messed up to not hit a homer. And, sure enough, he crushed it, effortlessly, took a look, flipped his bat, and began to trot. Such is life for Alex Rodriguez.

He's on pace for what, 100 plus homers, and over 165 RBI's. Seems doable, at the very least. It's gotten to the point that I'm actually rooting for him to get up in big spots. What a difference a year makes (or, in this instance, a great 3 weeks).

So, you ask, what is the solution? Give him the Barry treatment, just walk him. Well, you can't do that because, unlike the Giants, the Yankees don't run out a Ken Griffey baseball game lineup. Why don't they pitch inside more? That hasn't worked either, because he's hit the ball over the plate, inside, and outside. Face it, the guy is just this good. Well, not this good, but really, really close.

Maybe his all-world play will taper off, but he's almost a lock (barring injury) for 50 homeruns. And it's still April. Who knows, maybe by that time, the Yankee's will have reached that same plateau in wins.

Pirate's Booty

Mediocrity's the buzz word around baseball fans in the Steel City these days. Pittsburgh's own, the Pirates, aren't looking particularly strong, but, let's be clear, they're not looking as pathetic as they have in year's past. Some nice young arms, a few solid hitters. Not all is bad in P-town. Jim Tracy doesn't have much on him this year, all he's got to do is be mediocre. Not too difficult, right?

Let's Be Honest:

How many games can this team possibly win? How depressing is this season for the Pirates? These are all questions that should be answered throughout the season. But, I will confidently say that it's actually worse to be a fan of the Pirates for this one season than a team like the Nationals. Here's why: at least Nationals fans can root for their team to lose. When you're stuck as a middling NL Central team, it doesn't get much more predictably worse than that. At least, I don't think so.

Four Strong:

That's how I'd describe the starting rotation's first four members (Ian Snell, Tom Gorzelanny, Zach Duke, and Paul Maholm). After that, not so hot. In the words of Brian Kenny, oh no. Tony Armas Sr., Tony Armas Jr., and Shawn Chacon are all "zach" duking it out for the number 5 spot. I'd personally give the advantage to Armas, the senior. Chacon and Jr. really are fringe AAA pitchers.

This Year's Freddy Sanchez:

It appears as if last year's NL Batting Champ is nicked up to start the season, so it begs the question, who will take his place. What former utility bum will flourish? My pick: Nate McLouth. He seems to have it all in place. No starting job at the start of the season, a career .240 average. He's my guy.

Ronalpaulino:

Ok, Ok, that's a stretch, but I think you get it. This kid's not that bad. Matter of fact, he's pretty good, from what I read. Hit over .300 both halves of last year, played well behind the plate. Keep an eye out for him. From what I also read that shouldn't be difficult either, as the man is an absolute tank (6'2", 245).

Good Deal:

I'll say it now, the Mike Gonzalez deal was a good trade for the Pirates. Sure, Adam LaRoche is just a 1B, and there are tons of them. Yes, LaRoche is a good player, and getting better, but Gonzalez had been lights out. I recognize all of these things, but the major issue for me is, how important is a closer to a team like Pittsburgh. How many big games are there going to be for them this season? Though I don't think the Pirates ever really addressed the issue of getting a live body to fill the closer role, in the long run the deal is a good one. LaRoche will likely be there for a while, playing productively, and a closer can be found at a later date.

Bold Statement (s):

Jim Tracy will not be fired. Eh, I know, not so bold. But, consider the fact that managers of better teams have been fired for less.

Reliever Jonah Bayliss will confirm what everyone has suspected for sometime, he is in fact reputed journalist Skip Bayliss.

Rolling The Dice

This team came in third last year. Yes, the Blue Jays did finish ahead of them. Surprised? On paper, you should be. But, if you saw this team at all last year, it shouldn't have come as much of a Wichita State type shocker. Either way, they've reloaded (as only they and the Yankees can so grandly do) and are looking to prove last year was an abherration.

Let's Be Honest:
The Sox are still a loaded baseball team. Manny and Ortiz are the best 3-4 combo in the game. Beckett, though he looked like weak batting practice for the duration of the season, and Schilling, who has shown signs of age, could easily turn things around. That right there should be enough, and we're not even talking about the additions of Mr. Matsuzaka or Mr. Drew. I'm a Yankees, fan, and I'll admit, I'm a bit nervous.

Andrew Daisuke Matsuzaka:

The 103 million dollar man better get used to living in a pressure cooker. I'm not saying he won't be great, but he damn well better be. Over 100 million for a guy that no one's really ever seen about. Hell, he exists more in fantasy columns about gyroballs and other mythological pitches than anywhere else. Barring injury, look at starts 11-20 for him. I have a strong feeling that his first 6-10 starts will be strong, since no one will have seen him. That second time around will prove how worth his yen this man is.

Papel-back:

Well, the Joel Piniero experiement finally ended. Some may say it never got started. Obviously, this is the best short term move. Any sort of competing club can't have Piniero as a closer. The man couldn't be a starting pitcher and never has proven to anyone he'd be anything other than a generally middling reliever. Add on to that the fact that Mike Timlin is now legally deceased in 35 of the 50 states, and J.C. Romero's era was near 7 last season. Sure, Papelbon's arm is going to fall off sooner rather than later. But, do we really care about these players' well being? Apparently not.

Silly Mo, Right Field Is For J.D. Drew:

Unfortunately for all of you Wily Mo Pena/Eddy Curry enthusiasts out there, the Sily Mo moments for the Red Sox will have to go on hiatus. Or, at least until J.D. Drew spends his typical stint on the DL. So, by, at the latest, Pena will be back in RF by mid June. This idea that Drew is such a good player really is mind boggling though. He's only played 145 games or more 2 times, and only topped 75 RBI's twice. Injury prone and inconsistent, seems like a guy Red Sox fans will absolutely love.

I Love It When You Call Me Big Papi:

This year, David Ortiz will play first base. Maybe the Greek God will get hurt, maybe not. I have no real reason to think he'll ever be out there, but, why not?

Bold Statement (s):

D. Matsuzaka will ultimately go by D.K. Matsuzaka, following in the line of fellow foreign pitching product B.K. Kim, whose first name should be abbreviated, if in English, with several more points of reference.

Dustin Pedroia's BA will go up, to at least a respectable .245 this season.

Rockin' Out, With Their Clint Hurdle's Out

It must be difficult (or, at least I'd imagine) to rout for the Colorado Rockies. Sure, they won 76 games last year. They were marginally competitive for stretches. But, they've got a manager whose first name comes exceedingly close to the marriage of two slang words for a vagina (not to mention the little facial hair he had under his lip). They also made one move this winter, trading pitcher Jason Jennings to Houston for center fielder Wily Taveras, a move that, by all accounts, made very little sense. So, all in all, it seems like it's the same story, different year for the Rockies.

Let's Be Honest:

This team is going to score a ton of runs this year, no questions asked. Not that this should come as a shock to anyone, but this team is an offensive machine. While I can't defend trading a decent pitcher for a weak center fielder, the acquisition of Wily Taveras does give the Rockies a legit leadoff hitter, a throwback to the Juan Pierre days. Not to mention, they get a full season of healthy Todd Helton.

Of course, the problem will come on the other side of the ball. After Jeff Francis and Aaron Cook, the rotation falls off a cliff, almost literally. Our pal from Baltiore, Roddy Lopez, and a cast of other characters makes it imperative that this team is a juggernaut offensively if they want to win any games.

Trying To Trade The King?:

News out of Colorado has the Rockies trying to shop B.K. Kim. Raise your hand if you find this humorous, on several levels. First of all, what is this guy still doing on a major league roster? Oh, and in case you didn't notice, he's a starter now, so he's not giving up late inning bombs anymore, but spreading the wealth through the first few. In fairness to The King, his ERA away from the unfriendly confines of Colorado was a paltry 6.78. Second of all, and most obviously, who wants this guy? Not that teams don't have players worse than him, but who is actively trying to acquire someone of his talent (or lack thereof)?

Last Name Fun Fact:

While I'm sure this isn't correct, I doubt anyone cares enough to dispute the following factoid. If Chris Iannetta and Troy Tulowitzki win out their respective jobs (C and SS), they will have the most combined letters in their last names out of any SS-C combo in the league. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it.

God Have Mercy on Brian Fuentes:

The man of indistinguishable nationality did a great job as the closer for the Rockies last year, no one is denying that. But, if he gets hurt, look out. The back-up candidates are not only poor choices, but have failed quite notably either elsewhere or in Colorado. Latroy "Sadie" Hawkins is probably Hurdle's first option, not that anyone wants to go there. Then, we have Jeremy Affeldt, a man who was cast aside by the Royals, which has to say something. After that, there's a guy named Ubaldo. Enough said.

Off-Field Drama to Watch For:

In what would usually cost viewers a pay-per-view on HBO, Colorado Rockies faithful will be dutifully treated to a 162 round bout between two heavyweights, Troy Tulowitzki and Clint Barmes. Barmes, not actually a heavyweight, has the support of his fellow Clint manager. Troy, on the other hand, stands in at an Andre-The-Giant-esque 6-3, 205. We'll go with Clint, simply because he wears his hat properly, and because he's engaged to someone in the Rockies front office.

Enough Is Enough Already:

When is everyone going to come to the realization that I have already come to in my mind: Major League baseball can't be played in Colorado. You can't get pitchers to come there, and the hitting is so obviously skewed its nauseating. This team hits over 65 points better at home than on the road, for the last seven seasons. In the past seven years, the team ERA has been under 5.20 once, and that was last year. Do us all a favor, and get this team out of Colorado to a place where it might be able to legitimately compete, or at the very least, expose itself.

Bold Statement (s):

Matt Holliday and Garrett Atkins will both put up eerily similar numbers to this past season, reinforcing two things. One, hitters thrive in Colorado. Two, they are both robots.

Josh Fogg will get struck in the head by a line drive this season, ending his career. (Ed. note: By "get struck in the head by a line drive", we simply mean that his ERA will continue its three year climb and ultimately result in his removal from the league).

Singing The Beltway Blues

If a lack of talent was Sam Perlozzo's club's only problem, one might not feel so bad for the Baltimore Orioles. However, when you look up at the three teams definitively ahead of the O's (Yankees, Red Sox, and Blue Jays in no particular order), you begin to get a sense of the despair in Baltimore. Sure, there are some promising young hitters and a few potential surprise pitchers. But, barring any life-threatening accidents during those 3 teams' travel plans, the Orioles seem destined for another 4th place finish.

Let's Be Honest:

Last year, the hype was around Leo Mazzone. Could the former Braves pitching coach work his magic, turn players like Daniel Cabrera, Erik Bedard and Rodrigo Lopez? Well, the answer was, by and large, a big, stinking N-O. Bedard had a pretty good season, but the other two were downright awful. Lopez was so bad, he had to be shipped to Colorado. Keep in mind folks, this is the same Rodrigo Lopez who started and won the last two Opening Days for the O's. Cabrera, on the other hand, showed flashes of brilliance, sandwiched in between borderline Gulf Coast League performances. Which of these Cabrera's shows up, along with how well Adam Loewen progesses will determine whether or not this team can even think about challenging for 3rd place.

The Hayden Penn Watch:

I'll be the first to admit, I loved this kid. I did. I had him on a deep fantasy league team, and waited all year for him to be called up. Though, when he did, he certainly disappointed. Once heralded as the best prospect in the system, Penn is now an afterthought. In two seasons, he is a combined 3-6, with a era just under 10 (at 9.31), and a whip just above 2 (at 2.03). Not that anyone else even cared about this kid, but we can officially put him to rest, once and for all.

Where's Tom Hanks When You Need Him?:

The reason I ask is because the roster for this team looks like a bunch of castaways, from all over the league. Jay Payton, Aubrey Huff, Jaret Wright, Steve Traschel, and Scott Williamson. They all played for different teams last year, and they all figure to contribute quite heavily this year. Not a good thing to have to plug in that many new players to your lineup and staff.

1st And Forever:

Former first overall pick, Kris Benson has elected to have surgery on his right shoulder, effectively ending his 2007 season before it began. The oft-injured right hander has experienced pain for a while and it makes you wonder how much left he has in his tank.

Share The Wealth:

Last season, Miguel Tejada lead the Orioles in every major offensive category except for steals. As is the case with the pitching staff, if this team wants to think about competing someone else is going to have to step up and help lighten Michael's load. Whether it's Melvin "Five's a Charm" Mora, Aubrey "Don't Get Yourself In A" Huff, or Brian "Don't Call Me Bip" Roberts, someone has to do it.

Bold Statement (s):

Nick Markakis will bring it all together this season, he'll finish with respectable though not world beating numbers. I'd say 290-25-90.

This year's Russ Ortiz and Bruce Chen (aka AL batting practice twice a week) will be Jaret Wright and Steve Traschel. The former walks too many and the latter's ERA has gone up each of the last 5 seasons.

Seeing Red

Fresh off winning last year's World Series, the St. Louis Cardinals are back to try to repeat. They should have their closer, Jason Isringhausen, back by the start of the season. They also have the best hitter in the league playing everyday at firstbase. They also have maybe the best right handed pitcher in the league. So, what's stopping them from doing it again?

Let's Be Honest:

This team did nothing to make themselves better. In fact, they actually made themselves worse. Besides losing Jason Marquis and Jeff Suppan, they also had to move Adam Wainwright to the rotation because Isringhausen will be back. Sounds crazy, doesn't it, that Izzy may hurt this team. But, in reality, with the success that Wainright had last year during their run in the 9th inning job it's not that nuts. They did sign Adam Kennedy, filling the ultimate need for an aging, past-his-prime second basemen.

Reunited:

Speaking of Kennedy, he and shortstop David Eckstein are put together as double play partners once again. The two shared a middle infield for the Angels a few years back. There's no funny, cute joke attached to this one, just legitimate feelings of congratulation for the two pals.

Two's a Crowd?:

Here's the main issue with this team, sure they offer the two best players at their positions (Pujols 0ffense, Carpenter Pitching), but after them, that's about it. There isn't a scary hitter on this team outside of Pujols. Edmonds is filing for social security by the All-Star Break, and hasn't hit over .265 since 2004. Rolen, in all fairness, has put together a few good seasons, but isn't the feared player he was supposed to become. Outside of them, who scares you? Chris "Don't Call Me Hines" Duncan? Or maybe Juan "One Under God" Encarnacion?

The pitching staff features a overhyped right hander, a man who had a blod clot in his right arm only a season ago, and a former closer who couldn't close. Recipe for success, if you ask me.

Saga To Follow:

That former closer is Braden Looper. Mr. Looper, of Mets and Marlins fame, could potentially work his way into the starting rotation for this team. The idea he's even being considered for a Major League roster spot is laughable on its own merits. Compound that with the fact that he may be a starter for a team coming of a WS victory, and you have a full blown comedy. Has Tony LaRussa ever heard of Byung-Hyun Kim, or Danny Graves?

First Cardinals Pitcher To Get Marquis'd:

One would go naturally with Looper, but that'd be like throwing at the fat kid during recess or choosing the ADD kid for the spelling bee. Also, I doubt he'll be around long enough to achieve that sort of infamy. I could also say Ryan Franklin, but I'll go with Kip Wells because he'll be there the whole season barring another blod clot.

Where Have You Gone:

Mark Mulder, former ace of the Oakland A's, is nowhere to be found. He's been gone long enough to declare legally dead. Basically, his arm stopped working last season. Sure, it was only one season, and he did have a 97-50 record coming into that season. Yet, after surgery and with no guaranteed starting spot, this guy seems to have completely lost control on his career.

Bold Statement (s):

This team will finish in 2nd place, battling for it with the Brewers.

I've read this somewhere else, but I'll say it again here, Albert Pujols will win the Triple Crown. Barring a freak Freddy Sanchez-type season, its very possible.

Adam Wainwright won't dissappoint, he'll win 14-18.

Tony LaRussa, in another one of his stunts, will shock the baseball world, and wind up winning a few games by batting a pitcher in the 4 hole. When asked why after a game, he'll simply respond with, "it worked when Jason Marquis hit 8th, and Anthony Reyes is at least twice the pitcher he is"

From The Bay Area And Back Down, Cali Is Wit It With They Mack Down

Another team, another new manager. This time, we welcome long time Billy Beane buddy Bob Geren (any more B-words?) to the Big Show (there you go). Expect this team to run more than they did under Ken Macha, though they won't be leading the division in steals any time soon. Ultimately though, the question with this team, and this organization, revolves around how they'll deal with the idea with the seemingly annual lose of a franchise player.

Let's Be Honest:

This team won't miss Barry Zito that much. True, someone is going to have to throw those innings. But, even with him, they wouldn't be that good. They're not better than the Angels, not on paper at least. Figure Rich Harden to be healthy for a full season, and expect big things. Why this season? I have no idea, just a gut feeling. And, as this heading says, let's be honest here, Dan Haren and Joe Blanton are more than capable, not to mention that Mr. Zito hasn't been a pitcher worth missing (esp. not at a price of tag of 18 mil. per) since 2002.

Time To Step It Up:

Eric Chavez. Enough with this guy, already. It's been 3 years of average to poor play. If he's really the top-tier 3B everyone likes to think he is, it's about time he shows it.

Number One Reason Why ROY Means Nothing:

Bobby Crosby, ROY in 2004, has played 180 games over his last 2 seasons. Not that this should come as a shock to anyone, but this guy stinks. The ROY season wasn't even an aberration--he batted .239. He can't hit, and he can't stay healthy. Sounds like a real winner to me.

New Addition To The All How-Is-This-Guy-Still-A-Major-Leaguer Category:

Catcher Jason Kendall must have naked pictures of Billy Beane with farm animals, because there simply is no other explanation as to how he is still a Major League, starting catcher. Yes, he hits for a good average. But so do second basemen. The man has hit 4 homeruns in his last 450 games. Enough said.

The Over/Under Bullpen:

Why is it called that? Simply because everyone not named Huston or Justin has a 2 month O/U set for when they'll be cut. Alan Embree. Jay Witasick. Chad Gaudin. If you can't cut it with Tampa Bay, shouldn't that say something?

It's Only A Matter of Time Before...:

Mike Piazza returns to his bully pulpit (the catcher's position). Sure, he signed as a DH. But, there is always the chance Jason Kendall, Adam Melhuse, and Jeremy Brown are all injured. Or, that they're all not good enough to catch everyday. Wait, that last part is true already. So, I guess us Pizza man fans will have to wait for a serious string of injuries.

Milton Bradley goes crazy again, throwing a lawn chair at a fan or lighting a bench coach's uniform on fire. The man is insane, and not that good of a ball player to justify it. Wouldn't you just rather have a steriod user? Randy Velarde, anyone?

Bold Statement (s):

• Nick Swisher will hit 40 homers.


• Dan Haren and Rich Harden both will win 15 games.


• No one will accurately pronounce Bob Geren's name (hard of soft G?), until he snaps mid season and pulls a Milton Bradley, taking his frustration out on an unsuspecting Oakland Tribune writer.

Deep Sea Fishing

With a new manager at the helm, the Florida Marlins look to improve on a 78 win season which saw them play at a much higher level than most expected. Don’t try to say Joey G. didn’t do a good job. He did. Upper Management didn’t like Joe. So, we now usher in the Fredi Gonzalez error. Uh, era.

Let’s Be Honest:
This is a really young team. Really, really young. Before we crown this as the best pitching staff in the major leagues, can we please recognize the fact that, outside of Dontrelle Willis, the other 4 starters had started a grand total of 5 games prior to last season. Great young arms? Yessir. But, let’s wait and see.

Same goes for the offense. Outside of the senior member of the lineup, Mr. Cabrera, most are young (though promising) players. Again, bear that in mind before heralding this lineup.

Biggest Mistake:
Firing Joe Giradi. Note to Marlin management: Joe’s a great manager, who got the best of out of a young team. Bad job.

Taylor Me Purple:
How on earth did this team not go out and find a closer? Maybe Sweaty Joe Bo wasn’t the best answer, but he was an answer (36 saves). Maybe Taylor T. could do the job. Maybe. But that does seem like a bit much to ask out of a man that’s pitched only 40-some-odd innings in his major league career. Starting to sense a theme here?

Saga To Follow:
Aaron Boone follows the road less traveled, learns a knuckle ball, and cracks the Marlins bullpen. While this is highly unlikely, what are the odds he gets playing time over Cabrera or even Hermida or Willingham? Not great.

D-Train D-railed?:
Most likely not. If he hasn’t been traded yet, why now? The rumors should be there, they always are. But, in the words of Chris “Mad Dog” Russo, show some guts Florida management and hold on to the kid.

Bold Statement(s):
Miggy Cabrera will win the NL batting title.

Injuries to starters will force men named Yusmiero and Sergio into the starting rotation at least temporarily.

Alex Sanchez, back on steroids, will make the club as the team’s starting CF (over Reggie “And Fitch” Abercrombie). He will proceed to blast 3 HRs, score 120, and steal 65, all while batting a steady .255. (Only a few of these things will happen).

Kansas City Dreaming

Straight off another 100 loss season, the Allard Baird-less Royals look to avoid the dubious distinction for a 5th time in 6 seasons. If you want their lineup, their starting rotation, look elsewhere.

Let's Be Honest:

This is the Royals we're talking about. The team that last year lost 100 games and saw its star pitcher nearly leave the game entirely following an emotional breakdown.

Now, 55 million dollars, one overweight pitcher and a poor GM later, are the Royals ready to compete? Not quite. First, the division is, in the words of many a sorority sister, "ridic". Maybe the best in baseball, the AL Central has some big guns. Yet, many in Royal Nation, if such a thing actually exists, believe this could be the year the team competes. In fact, new GM Dayton Moore has gone so far as to confirm that previous statement. Seems like a lot from a man inheriting a team that hasn't had a 30 HR season since 2000 (Jermaine Dye).

Yet, all this being said, this isn't that bad of a team. I'd say, these aren't your father's Royals, but, frankly, if they were, they'd be good. Take a look up and down this lineup, and you'll be pleasantly surprised. The rotation, not great, but same as the lineup, surprising. That's all from the soap box.

What Can We Expect?:

Less than 100 losses? I guess that's about all.

First Player To Have Another Zack Greinke-esque Breakdown:

Angel Berroa, after he realizes that the untimely Rookie of the Year curse isn't a curse, but rather an indicator of a lucky year for a man that couldn't cut it in Wichita.

What Your Most Likely To Hear Shouted At A Royals' Loss:

Bring Back Burgos! That is, of course, after the Royals management realizes that Octavio Dotel hasn't been good for years and isn't going to suddenly turn it on.

Bold Statement(s):

The Royals are a 70-75 win team.

John Buck will not be with the team by September. Well, he shouldn't be at least.

Luke Hudson will win 15 games. By August. 2008.

Spring In The Air?

Well, maybe not yet. But it sure is getting close to what I like to call baseball cap weather. The sort of weather where you can't really where shorts, but don't need to wear a parka.

Either way, in light of pitchers and catchers reporting just a week ago, a light NBA trading deadline, and other lackluster sporting events, we present the following, full Major League Baseball Preview.

Questions, Comments, and Concerns.

All appreciated.

Beam Me Up, Scottie

Assorted GM: So, you think you can make a comeback, huh? Well, let's look at some things. You're in great physical shape. You even claim to be at your playing weight of, what, 220 lbs? Not much body fat. Well, Mr. Pippen, you seem to be just the man we're looking for. It says here you've won six championships and are one of the 50 Greatest Players in NBA History. I must say, I don't know what it is a man of your skill, caliber, and know-how is doing on the market still, but we're going to give you a serious shot here. Before you go, just a few quick, paper-work questions.

Scottie: Sure, shoot.

GM: Ok, first. When was the last time you played competitive basketball?

Scottie: Honestly, seven years ago.

GM: Wait a minute. It says here, you finished playing in the NBA in 2004.

Scottie: Yeah, I know. But, I haven't really been competitive since 2000. I mean, if you consider missing around 20 games a season and seeing every statitisical average fall competitive, then I misspoke.

GM: Ok....Well, how old are you?

Scottie: Now, that's a funny question. Because, I...I, uh...I feel great.

GM: How old, Scottie?

Scottie: 39?

GM: Scottie?

Scottie: OK, OK, I turned 41 last September. Alright! I'm older than dirt. What do you want from me. I am playing with Ben Gordon and some gal from the Chicago WNBA team this weekend.

GM: Fair enough. Now that I think about it, we could use some experience, a little age, wisdom. We play Denver after the break, can you be ready?

Honestly, enough of this business. Who really thinks he can be effective? The first Mike of the radio program duplicated in his name on ESPN Radio said multiple times this morning that he could really help a team.

No one is doubting the skill set Mr. Pippen once had, nor what impact that would bring if he still had it. Yet, keep in mind, before you hail the point-forward as some team's savior, he's 41 and hasn't played in the NBA since 2004. That's 2 full seasons off for a man over 40. I don't care what weight he's at, that's asking a lot of man. To simply come back to NBA shape and form, and play big minutes for a team in playoff/championship contention. Why, that seems a bit much, no?

Some notes:

• Tell me I wasn't the only one who thought, upon seeing Tim Hardaway's face initially on ESPN a few days ago, that he was announcing he was a homosexual. As it turns out, TimBug took the classier path, cursing those goddamned gay people that he hates so much. Maybe he wants to make a comeback.
• Speaking of homosexuality, I've come into question myself recently. I just acquired John Mayer's newest album, Continuum. I must say, great stuff. What that says about me, I'm prepared to accept.
• Kerry Wood, adding to an already long list of ridiculous injuries, has hurt himself while falling out of a hot tub. Apparently, he slipped and hurt his chest. We here at Reverse can already hear Sweet Lou cursing the day he accepted this job. I can only imagine what Carl Pavano is scheming up to top this one.
• The Red Sox Japanese phenom, Daisuke Matsuzaka, arrived to Red Sox camp recently, though the camp starts on Sunday. Good job. Unfortunately, he brought with him about 200 reporters and press agents. Have fun with that throughout a season. Also, have fun with the fact that this mystery pitch (the gyroball) isn't really a part of his 6 pitch array.
• Raise your hand if you're already annoyed by the increased NASCAR coverage on ESPN. I can't see your hands, but I'll trust they're up.
• One thing is certain as we head into the NBA All-Star Weekend in Las Vegas: Tyrus Thomas is just a good guy. Recently, he announced his willingness to compete in the Slam Dunk Contest, simply because of the free money. First of all, what is 10,000 dollars to a guy making as much as he does. Second of all, does anyone talk to him, before he talks? If not, they should. And a tip: Putting out ridiculously gramatical apologies through your agents doesn't garner the sorries needed to put you back in favor, Ty.
• I, for one, am happy for Wade Phillips. The man preceeded in previous HC jobs by Dan Reeves twice, and succeeded by two generations of Mora's has landed again in Dallas. This, after leaving the Chargers, who find themselves in need of a head coach. I don't know if he was even considered for that job, but it clearly is the better of the two. TO, Jerry Jones. Need I say more. Though no one would accuse him of being a bad coach (for his career, he's over .500), this guy doesn't bring anything new to the table. Give some fresh blood chance. I'll say this for Phillips, he did make people think Rob Johnson was a good quarterback. Maybe he can fool people on Tony Romo.
• Here are your winners for All Star Weekend. Sophomores, NBDL West, Gerald Green, Mike Miller, Dwyane Wade, the Spurs, the NBA West, and Kobe. There you have it.

What's Eating Gilbert Arenas?

How good is this man? I wonder.

How arrogant is this man? I also wonder.

How long will it last? More wonder.

Where did he come from? That, I know the answer to.

The great University of Arizona, and a second round draft pick no less. Now, he's not only averaging over 30 points per game, but he's single handedly winning games.

On the Arenas highlight list already this season.

1. Scored more than 40 points, 7 times.
2. Scored more than 50 points, 3 times.
3. Season high 60 against the Lake Show.
4. Two game winners, from so far away they would've counted as at least 5 pointers had NBA JAM rules been in effect.

Yet, the interesting part of all are the incredible accolades being thrown on Mr. Arenas season. NBA columnists, pundits, and the like all laying tons of praise on the man known as Agent 0.

The timing is most curious. People make it seem as if this guy literally started scoring this season. Not quite. Last season, only a point less per game (29.3), and over 25 the year before. The real story with Gilbert Arenas was his explosion into the league in his second full season, where he started every game and averaged just under 19 ppg. Stats aside, this guy didn't just start pouring in shots from everywhere yesterday.

Still, I'll say that while I enjoy his showmanship, desire to be the main man in the clutch, and ability to come through in the clutch, I wouldn't start my team with young Gilbert. Only two players average more shots taken per game, A.I. and 'Melo. Though, Mr. Arenas has played signifcantly more than both of those two. Not to mention, his propensity for turning the ball over and fairly low shooting clip (43%). I'm not saying he's not great. I'm just saying, let's hold off on the "best player in the universe" praise.

Some notes:

• As if Paul Pierce's prolonged injury wasn't enough, the Celts have been hit, in recent weeks with the loss of Tony Allen, Wally Szczerbiak, and Delonte West. Add Theo Ratliff to make a starting 5 that many would've thought the C's could've began the season with. Now, they're all together again, on the IR.
• Relievers everywhere were jealous this week as Jeff Nelson was granted his long wish of being able to retire a Yankee. After the signing of a minor league contract with the Bombers, the long awaited return of one of the greats to the pinstripes is over. The man often confused for Norm Charlton finally can rest soundly as a Yankee.
• The latest lesson in "Don't Listen to What Athletes/Coaches Say" 101: Colt Brennan, QB of Hawaii fame has announced he is entering the NFL draft. This after he vowed to return to college football after leading Hawaii to an impressive bowl victory. While he still has the ability to return to college, who really thinks he will? Maybe Nick Saban does.
• Apparently, someone in the NFL brass thinks its a good idea to have a regular season game played in London next year. I can't even begin to go into how stupid this is. First of all, you aren't popularizing NFL football over there. To them, football is soccer. Second, teams complain about short weeks because of Thanksgiving, and having to go from Oakland to Cleveland. How does across the Atlantic sound? You can already hear the complaints filing in from teams who "couldn't get back on track".
• Fire Marty "Marge" Schottenheimer, immediately. Not that this last game was really his fault, but please, give someone else a chance. 5 and 13 in the playoffs, enough already. He wasn't his typical, overly aggressive run self, but still, let someone try to take this team to the next level, because the talent is certainly there.
• Am I the only one who thinks that the new coach of the Cardinals, Ken Whisenhunt, looks almost identical to Bill Cowher. Pittsburgh could've replaced Cowher with Whisenhunt, not told anyone he retired and never missed a beat. Just a thought.

Sky Rockets In Flight

At what point did mediocrity become the automatic precursor to a 10 million or more per year contract?

Gil Meche? Career record of 55 and 44, and hasn't won more than 4 games than he's lost in any season of his already illustrious career. Add to this blossoming Hall of Fame resume a trip to Kansas City, and he's on his way.

Ted Lilly? Throws left handed, also has a poor career record (only 1 game over .500), and has never wone more 2 games than he's lost in any season. Again, I repeat, he throws with his left hand.

Who is next? Honestly. Jeff Suppan, for instance. What would an aging, no speed, ass clown such as this demand in this market? 12 million per? He does have experience, and you know how valuable that is nowadays.

What about Jeff Weaver? He did pitch well for half of one season in his entire career. I'd say 11 per for 5 years seems right.

And, where does this leave the actually good pitchers. Someone like Barry Zito, of all people, should be angered by these signings. Because, on a relative scale, while he'll still make more than these guys, he should make about 30 million a year. I don't think many would argue that Zito is at least 3 times the pitcher that Gil Meche is, in terms of just about everything from value, to age, to throwing hand, to off field activities (baking and playing the guitar). Why shouldn't he be paid as such?

Speaking of contracts and money, we naturally flow to the NBA, where Allen Iverson's days as 76er appear numbered, quite literally. Although we've heard these rumors for years now, these are legit, at least that's what they are saying now. So, in this light, we here at Putting It In Reverse would like to suggest a few possible landing spots for the Answer.

1. Boston Celtics....Why? Well, name one player on their roster that you'd keep other than Paul Pierce. Still thinking? Stop. The point is, they could offer basically everyone on their roster, and I'm sure that Doc could suit up again if he had to.
2. Chicago Bulls...Tell me why the Bulls are so afraid to trade Kirk Heinrich and Luol Deng. First, they arleady have Andres Nocioni, who is way, way better than Mr. Deng. Second, who gives a shit about Kirk Heinrich if you are getting Allen Iverson? Enough said.
3. San Antonio Spurs...No, no. There's not a good reason here. I just wanted to put it down.
4. New York Knicks...Would a list of this sort be complete without them? Here's all they have to do. Offer up David Lee, Channing Frye, Renaldo Balkman, Mardy Collins, and Nate Robinson (basically any remote traces of unselfish, untainted talent they still have left) and see if that can spring free the great A.I. If that doesn't work, I'm sure that Allan Houston's contract can be reworked, a loop hole found to fix the situation somehow.

Why Everyone Hates the NBA

Sure, go ahead and celebrate Kobe Bryant's most recent scoring barrage. This time the targets were the almighty Utah Jazz. In dropping 52 points, Bryant nearly out produced the Jazz's previous opponent, the San Antonio Spurs.

Personally, I'm happy for Kobe. I've never really disliked the man, and I'm wholly aware of how great he is, so I have no problems saying that I love watching him. Checkered life outside of the arena? Sure, but who in the NBA doesn't have one. Excluding, of course, A.C. Green.

However, I urge you to watch the highlights from this game again. About two minutes in, take a look at one of his many earth shattering dunks. I'll give you a minute to get to the page, and watch the video.

OK.

In classic "area code" defense, there wasn't a Utah Jazz defender within about 20 minutes of Kobe on this play. He simply catches the ball at the free throw line (not that that area is a central portion of the court on offense), takes a power dribble, two steps, and throws it down. By this point, a couple of defenders have made there way over to the rim (see the picture above). Yet, its clear that they're not really offering up much of a defense here.

Let's get one thing straight. I'm not, by any means, suggesting that Kobe ripped apart the Jazz because they weren't trying to play defense. I don't watch or care enough about the Jazz to make a statement like that. Rather, its plays like these that have people turning off the NBA and turning on the NCAA every day.

All 5 Jazz defenders were on the floor at the time, by the way. Which truly begs the question, how did the best player on the floor (and the league) catch a pass in the middle of the offensive area without a player within arms length of him?

Sadly, I can't answer that question.

Heeeeeeeeeeeee's Back

Don't blink. That really is him.

Yes. Him.

The same man we once took for dead, kicked to the curb by a crumbling Tampa Bay squad, it seemed as if football for Mr. Martin Gramatica was all but over. The only thing that seemed automatic about the situation was a group Gramatica flight back to Argentina.

Alas, the beleaguered kicker has made it back to center stage once more, this time in the NFC East for the Dallas Cowboys. He's already tested the waters in the NFC South, and AFC East (twice actually). Too hot, apparently. Now, Parcells and the 'Boys are counting on Martin to solidify what was a shaky kicking game with Mike Vanderjagt at the helm.

And, on the subject of Vanderjagt, how quickly do fortunes change? Just several months ago, he was the recipient of a new contract, at over 5 million dollars. Fat deal, fat change. Fat chance. He's been released, and in an one of the most ironic and deranged attempts to search for consistency, the Cowboys have opted to try out Gramatica. He's been with the Colts twice, and the Patriots practice squad once. Neither worked out well. To be honest though, neither did his last two years in Tampa.


As from last week, some more notes:

• Jay Cutler is officially taking over for Jake Plummer in Denver. And it only took, what, 11 weeks? I figure this is a wise move from coach Mike Shanahan. He usually shuffles runningbacks, so why not try it with quarterbacks. The problem? He's in the thick of a playoff race and Cutler's chances of survival and success are about the same as the number of NFL passes he's thrown.
• After this week's most recent debacle, Michael Vick, fed up with the way things have been going, decided to give the fans in Atlanta the finger as he exited to the lockerroom, following a 31-13 defeat. Maybe its just me, but I have an issue with this. Not the finger part, but the direction of the finger. The fans in Atlanta aren't the ones who can't catch. No, that distinction belongs to any WR or TE on the Falcons. And, contrary to popular belief, that is their job. You can spew on all you want about Vick's innaccuracy, but ultimately, someone has to catch the ball. Bums like Roddy White, and the rest of those misfits just aren't going to get it done.
• On the subject of making a comeback to the NFL, the Hillsborough Kid, Ricky Proehl has been signed by the Colts. One white reciever replacing another (Brandon Stokely). That's how it ought to be.
• Here's big news: "Holmes will not return to Chiefs this season", reports the AP. Wow. That's some kind of breaking story.
• Tell me you're not the only one amused by the annual list of Hall Of Fame ballotees. Of course, the guys we all knew would be there...the Scott Brosius's and Devon White's of the world. But honestly, what is Eric Davis doing on that list?
• Randy Wolf. 8 million dollars. One year. Seems reasonable, doesn't it? Lest we forget, Mr. Wolf has pitched in a combined 25 games in the past two seasons. Also, don't let that 5.56 ERA from last season through you off. He is a lefty, and a crafty one at that.
• Finally, the Red Sox have committed to trading Manny Ramirez. Really, this time they are going to do it. I'm not kidding. If it's on Yahoo! Sports, it has got to be true. They're going to sign J.D. "Power and Associates" Drew, and then deal Manny to San Fran. Honest, this time they're not joking around. Seriously. They will do it. They're going to do it. They're going to try to do it. Well, they'll give it their best shot. Uhhh, they might not do it. It seems like its too far fetched for them to actually do it. But, no, they really are going to do it this time. Maybe.
• Again, on the topic of comebacks, perenially soft and injured swingman Derek Anderson has been signed by the Charlotte Bobcats in an effort to....well, we're not exactly sure.
• Another funny headline: "Whether it's Thomas or Brown as coach, Marbury still not sure how to play" Can we just get it over with and put this guy out of his misery already. How many times does he need to prove that he's a worhtless human being and basketball player. Ultimately, it seems fairly simple to me. When coaches have tried to "coach" him, he struggles. When he can do his own thing and basically play selfishly, he'll put up numbers. There's a winner for you.
• What's most suprising about the Spurs first road loss of the season, this a month into the schedule? Not that it took this long, but that Andris Biedrins, a man few outside of fantasy nerds have ever even heard of, almost single handedly turned the trick last night. He had 6 blocks, 3 of which came on Tim Duncan in the final quarter. Way to go Andy.
• After the "signing of the year" of Ben Wallace, the Chicago Bulls have truly floundered to start the season. True, they opened the year trouncing the Heat, but since then, they've lost 9 of 12. And one of those 3 wins came against the Knicks. The Bulls, as I modestly figured, have had a hard time scoring (18th, just under 97 ppg). This shouldn't surprise anyone as starters Chris Duhon and Ben Wallace are scoring 13 ppg. Together.

Which One Is The GM?

Take a long, hard look at this one, because I couldn't figure it out at first.

The man on your left is 40. The man on your right is 48. Both are of Dominican, or of some sort of Latin, descent.

The major difference though, between the two? One is 8.5 million dollars richer. Give up? Its the guy on the right. Wait, no, the left. Or is it the right? I'm not sure, to be quite honest. But, at this point, getting older seems to be the only logical step for the New York Mets.

A forty year old OF comes to town and suddenly the ship has sailed on what once was the hottest prospect no only in their system but possibly in all of baseball. How much do they think they can get for Lastings Milledge now anyway? He's already proved he's not ready. If they were seriously considering dealing him at any point, last June was the time to do it. That ship, unfortunately, has in fact sailed already.

Moises Alou, not to take anything away from the man, is simply old. Admittedly, Cliff Floyd is no spry chicken, but when your facing a loaded gun, what's the difference?

Some other news and notes, things I've noticed since I'm not in the country:

• Reports out of Yankee camp say that Scott Proctor could join the rotation next year...Whoopee, another 4 to 5 inning starter. Now that Jaret Wright is finally gone, the Bombers haven't waited long to replace his ineffective and quick exiting presence with someone from with in. Best of luck Scotty
• Marquis Daniels has replaced Stephen Jackson as the Pacers starting SG. Erick Dampier has replaced DeSagna Diop as the starting C for the Mavs. This makes them the first Marquis and Erick SG/C tandem on separate teams in history.
• A guy named Adrian has a column for Yahoo! Sports. That's it.
• Dajuan Wagner has been released by the Golden State Warriors, most likely ending his chances of playing professional ball ever again. He and Kenyon Martin, apparently, are in contract negotiations to work side by side with Brad Nessler doing NBDL games next season. Again, we here at Putting It In Reverse wish the beleaguered stars best of luck.
• The Rutgers football program, after an improbable, come-from-behind victory at home against Louisville, couldn't muster up enough fire power to beat Dustin Grutza and the Cinncy Bearcats. Don't even talk about trap games, they play the Orange next. I have no explanation for this, nor would I care to entertain the thought of what might happen to a man such as Kian Barry if the Scarlet Knights lose out. It could happen, by the way. While I won't predict a loss to SU, a loss to WVU is more than possible.
• Alfonso Soriano, the man without a position and without a good attitude, recieved a Tory Holt-esque contract of 8 catches for 136 yards. I mean, 8 years for 136 million. Absurd isn't it? Not that he's not a great player. But that amount of money, it's something to just sit back and look at it. And then, wonder how it'll contribute to the Cubbies not winning for the 98th year in a row.
• Drew Brees, NO Saints QB, threw for over 500 yards in this week's game against Cinncinnati. The Saints lost. Explain that one. What did he need to do, throw for 800 yards?
• The string of injuries this past week was so long, it almost became comical. Leading WR, Marques Colston, ankle injury. Donovan McNabb and Lamont Jordan, torn knee ligaments. Brett Favre, and his backup, Aaron Rodgers. Joey Goodspeed, turf toe. Donovan Darius, broken ankle. Bo Schembeckler, unfortunately for him, death. And the list goes on...Sad state of affairs, really was.
• Charles Robinson, a man who actually gets paid for Yahoo! Sports to write about made up football news and things of the sort, actually wrote an article recently claiming that the Chargers were the best team in the league. First of all, though I hasn't watched more than 10 minutes of NFL football all season, that can't be accurate. Second of all, and as much as it pains me to say this, the Bears have to be the league's best at this point. Best defense by far, and the offense has been good. Can't argue with that, or can you Mr. Robinson?
• How long do you give it til everyone stops sucking the proverbial penis that is the Utah Jazz? I say, at most two weeks. Reason? They won't be winning 9 out of every 10 games by then. Are they a good team? Certainly, and they have improved. But, let's be real here. Paul Millsap can't be a serviceable replacement for AK-47 for ever. And Deron Williams' dime per game numbers have to come down. Hell, they can't realistically go any higher.
• News out of Indiana suggests Jermaine O'Neal isn't happy on the Pacers. Surprise, surprise. My problem with the whole thing is, who gives a damn? So he wants to play for a winner. Name me a player that doesn't, excluding any Blazer that's been in the league for more than 2 years. Just because the Pacers aren't any good shouldn't liberate Jermaine O'Neal. If that was the case, Paul Pierce, Allen Iverson, Kevin Garnett, and a whole host of others would've already been moved. My advice, give it a rest and try playing for a full season before you want to open your mouth again. Sorry for that, but I hate when millionaires complain for no real reason.
• Finally, the NL Central race has been decided. Mike Stanton and Alex Gonzalez have been added to the Reds. Relax folks, its over. Here's a direct quote, honest to God..."Stay tuned," said general manager Wayne Krivsky. The Reds GM is referring to the transaction wire, hinting that more moves are to come. He's already acquired 40 players since coming on board last spring training. I can't wait to see who he adds next. Maybe he could trade for Marlon Byrd. I think Reggie Abercrombie might even be available. Have at it Wayne, and as always, best of luck pal.

Every Man Has To Have One

Earlier in the day, London time, I was reminded that the eighth day of October in the year two thousand and six was Columbus Day. My little brother didn't have school. Businesses, banks, they all close down. Even the Yankees took the night off.

And this rest and importance attributed to the man once known as Cristobal got me thinking as to my favorite explorer. Not to take anything away from Topher, but I'm not sure I'd choose him. Actually, I know that I wouldn't.

After giving this some serious, deep, and contemplative thought (as if there's any other kind when debating an issue of this magnitude), I've found my man.

He's made his living on the tongues and maps of people all across the world. However, he still lives in relative secrecy. Existing as a relic, the man only spoken of in fairy tales, only referenced to by intellectuals and only discussed in small groups at Italian-American club meetings.

Of course, the man I am speaking of is Amerigo Vespucci.

'Spooch was a man amongst boys. While others were merely bumping into new continents that would later prove worthless (the West Indies, who needs it?/is it even still there?) Amerigo was busy discovering that little continent known as South America. He was also the first to believe that he was actually bumping into a new continent, and not merely an extension of Asia. Pretty heavy stuff, huh?

The details of his life are significant, however, too numerous to detail here. What remains to be told is that this man is simply not revered to the level that he should be. For Christ's sake, we live in America, not in Christopher.

I say we do ourselves all a favor and not only replace Columbus Day with Spooch Day, but also give the entire world a day off, not just Americans. Amerigo's contributions shaped the world that we live in and the universe that we hope to continue to define. It is because of his hard work, determination in the face of adversity, and ever-persistent determination in the face of hard work and adversity together that Italian men such as myself have the confidence to play sports, approach women and masturbate in public places.

Well, maybe not all of those things.

The Sad But True Story Of The Fantasy Nerd

I know a young man, who suffers from a crippling affliction. A man who, in normal circumstances, thrives in social settings. Some have described him as gregarious, jovial, mercurial. Others have used terms such as humorous, intrinsic, elloquent, and morovian.

Regardless, once this disease sets, all hopes of human interaction and social skill are thrown immediately out the window. If a window isn't immediately accessible, then the nearest garbage can or kitchen disposal.

For those of you who have read the title already, you know of the disease of which I am speaking. It deals with the curse that is Fantasy Sports.

This young man, who shall remain nameless, plays the Holy Trinity of Fantasy, Basketball, Baseball, and Football. Though he loves them all, Baseball and Basketball are easily the most demanding. And, having watched this man suffer through two straight championship runs in the sports just listed, I feel it is necessary to sketch a story of his tales, promote his compassion.

Every other week of the season, outside of the final weeks, the team takes up a minimal portion of the day. He only checks in down time. When he wakes up, before he goes to sleep, before he goes to eat, after he goes to eat. While he's eating. Before he showers, after he showers, while he showers.

However, once it gets to the final week, the promised land, the mecca that is Championship Week, the attention paid reaches an all-time high. Suddenly, every game has meaning. Devil Rays vs. Indians. Magic vs. Bucks. These, once meaningless, matchups have the weight of the world resting in their outcome. And he couldn't be anymore aware of it.

For days, he doesn't leave his room, with his hand glued now to the refresh button on his computer screen, rather than to his tube of vasoline and dirty magazines. Update, update, update. And the games haven't even begun yet. This is just to make sure everyone who needs to be playing is playing.

After a certain point, he's admitted several times to me, confided (if you will), that he's lost the desire to even win any longer. That if it could simply end and that would be it, he'd be happier than having to deal with another pain staking second.

Alas, he has survived each tramatic episode. Once emerging victorious, the other time as the loser. Yet, dissappointment doesn't get him down. That's probably the most curious thing of it all. How can something that consumes a man so fully for so long simply be shrugged off after a day?

I, personally, wouldn't know.

I guess I'll have to ask him.