Rockin' Out, With Their Clint Hurdle's Out

It must be difficult (or, at least I'd imagine) to rout for the Colorado Rockies. Sure, they won 76 games last year. They were marginally competitive for stretches. But, they've got a manager whose first name comes exceedingly close to the marriage of two slang words for a vagina (not to mention the little facial hair he had under his lip). They also made one move this winter, trading pitcher Jason Jennings to Houston for center fielder Wily Taveras, a move that, by all accounts, made very little sense. So, all in all, it seems like it's the same story, different year for the Rockies.

Let's Be Honest:

This team is going to score a ton of runs this year, no questions asked. Not that this should come as a shock to anyone, but this team is an offensive machine. While I can't defend trading a decent pitcher for a weak center fielder, the acquisition of Wily Taveras does give the Rockies a legit leadoff hitter, a throwback to the Juan Pierre days. Not to mention, they get a full season of healthy Todd Helton.

Of course, the problem will come on the other side of the ball. After Jeff Francis and Aaron Cook, the rotation falls off a cliff, almost literally. Our pal from Baltiore, Roddy Lopez, and a cast of other characters makes it imperative that this team is a juggernaut offensively if they want to win any games.

Trying To Trade The King?:

News out of Colorado has the Rockies trying to shop B.K. Kim. Raise your hand if you find this humorous, on several levels. First of all, what is this guy still doing on a major league roster? Oh, and in case you didn't notice, he's a starter now, so he's not giving up late inning bombs anymore, but spreading the wealth through the first few. In fairness to The King, his ERA away from the unfriendly confines of Colorado was a paltry 6.78. Second of all, and most obviously, who wants this guy? Not that teams don't have players worse than him, but who is actively trying to acquire someone of his talent (or lack thereof)?

Last Name Fun Fact:

While I'm sure this isn't correct, I doubt anyone cares enough to dispute the following factoid. If Chris Iannetta and Troy Tulowitzki win out their respective jobs (C and SS), they will have the most combined letters in their last names out of any SS-C combo in the league. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it.

God Have Mercy on Brian Fuentes:

The man of indistinguishable nationality did a great job as the closer for the Rockies last year, no one is denying that. But, if he gets hurt, look out. The back-up candidates are not only poor choices, but have failed quite notably either elsewhere or in Colorado. Latroy "Sadie" Hawkins is probably Hurdle's first option, not that anyone wants to go there. Then, we have Jeremy Affeldt, a man who was cast aside by the Royals, which has to say something. After that, there's a guy named Ubaldo. Enough said.

Off-Field Drama to Watch For:

In what would usually cost viewers a pay-per-view on HBO, Colorado Rockies faithful will be dutifully treated to a 162 round bout between two heavyweights, Troy Tulowitzki and Clint Barmes. Barmes, not actually a heavyweight, has the support of his fellow Clint manager. Troy, on the other hand, stands in at an Andre-The-Giant-esque 6-3, 205. We'll go with Clint, simply because he wears his hat properly, and because he's engaged to someone in the Rockies front office.

Enough Is Enough Already:

When is everyone going to come to the realization that I have already come to in my mind: Major League baseball can't be played in Colorado. You can't get pitchers to come there, and the hitting is so obviously skewed its nauseating. This team hits over 65 points better at home than on the road, for the last seven seasons. In the past seven years, the team ERA has been under 5.20 once, and that was last year. Do us all a favor, and get this team out of Colorado to a place where it might be able to legitimately compete, or at the very least, expose itself.

Bold Statement (s):

Matt Holliday and Garrett Atkins will both put up eerily similar numbers to this past season, reinforcing two things. One, hitters thrive in Colorado. Two, they are both robots.

Josh Fogg will get struck in the head by a line drive this season, ending his career. (Ed. note: By "get struck in the head by a line drive", we simply mean that his ERA will continue its three year climb and ultimately result in his removal from the league).