Pirate's Booty

Mediocrity's the buzz word around baseball fans in the Steel City these days. Pittsburgh's own, the Pirates, aren't looking particularly strong, but, let's be clear, they're not looking as pathetic as they have in year's past. Some nice young arms, a few solid hitters. Not all is bad in P-town. Jim Tracy doesn't have much on him this year, all he's got to do is be mediocre. Not too difficult, right?

Let's Be Honest:

How many games can this team possibly win? How depressing is this season for the Pirates? These are all questions that should be answered throughout the season. But, I will confidently say that it's actually worse to be a fan of the Pirates for this one season than a team like the Nationals. Here's why: at least Nationals fans can root for their team to lose. When you're stuck as a middling NL Central team, it doesn't get much more predictably worse than that. At least, I don't think so.

Four Strong:

That's how I'd describe the starting rotation's first four members (Ian Snell, Tom Gorzelanny, Zach Duke, and Paul Maholm). After that, not so hot. In the words of Brian Kenny, oh no. Tony Armas Sr., Tony Armas Jr., and Shawn Chacon are all "zach" duking it out for the number 5 spot. I'd personally give the advantage to Armas, the senior. Chacon and Jr. really are fringe AAA pitchers.

This Year's Freddy Sanchez:

It appears as if last year's NL Batting Champ is nicked up to start the season, so it begs the question, who will take his place. What former utility bum will flourish? My pick: Nate McLouth. He seems to have it all in place. No starting job at the start of the season, a career .240 average. He's my guy.

Ronalpaulino:

Ok, Ok, that's a stretch, but I think you get it. This kid's not that bad. Matter of fact, he's pretty good, from what I read. Hit over .300 both halves of last year, played well behind the plate. Keep an eye out for him. From what I also read that shouldn't be difficult either, as the man is an absolute tank (6'2", 245).

Good Deal:

I'll say it now, the Mike Gonzalez deal was a good trade for the Pirates. Sure, Adam LaRoche is just a 1B, and there are tons of them. Yes, LaRoche is a good player, and getting better, but Gonzalez had been lights out. I recognize all of these things, but the major issue for me is, how important is a closer to a team like Pittsburgh. How many big games are there going to be for them this season? Though I don't think the Pirates ever really addressed the issue of getting a live body to fill the closer role, in the long run the deal is a good one. LaRoche will likely be there for a while, playing productively, and a closer can be found at a later date.

Bold Statement (s):

Jim Tracy will not be fired. Eh, I know, not so bold. But, consider the fact that managers of better teams have been fired for less.

Reliever Jonah Bayliss will confirm what everyone has suspected for sometime, he is in fact reputed journalist Skip Bayliss.

Rolling The Dice

This team came in third last year. Yes, the Blue Jays did finish ahead of them. Surprised? On paper, you should be. But, if you saw this team at all last year, it shouldn't have come as much of a Wichita State type shocker. Either way, they've reloaded (as only they and the Yankees can so grandly do) and are looking to prove last year was an abherration.

Let's Be Honest:
The Sox are still a loaded baseball team. Manny and Ortiz are the best 3-4 combo in the game. Beckett, though he looked like weak batting practice for the duration of the season, and Schilling, who has shown signs of age, could easily turn things around. That right there should be enough, and we're not even talking about the additions of Mr. Matsuzaka or Mr. Drew. I'm a Yankees, fan, and I'll admit, I'm a bit nervous.

Andrew Daisuke Matsuzaka:

The 103 million dollar man better get used to living in a pressure cooker. I'm not saying he won't be great, but he damn well better be. Over 100 million for a guy that no one's really ever seen about. Hell, he exists more in fantasy columns about gyroballs and other mythological pitches than anywhere else. Barring injury, look at starts 11-20 for him. I have a strong feeling that his first 6-10 starts will be strong, since no one will have seen him. That second time around will prove how worth his yen this man is.

Papel-back:

Well, the Joel Piniero experiement finally ended. Some may say it never got started. Obviously, this is the best short term move. Any sort of competing club can't have Piniero as a closer. The man couldn't be a starting pitcher and never has proven to anyone he'd be anything other than a generally middling reliever. Add on to that the fact that Mike Timlin is now legally deceased in 35 of the 50 states, and J.C. Romero's era was near 7 last season. Sure, Papelbon's arm is going to fall off sooner rather than later. But, do we really care about these players' well being? Apparently not.

Silly Mo, Right Field Is For J.D. Drew:

Unfortunately for all of you Wily Mo Pena/Eddy Curry enthusiasts out there, the Sily Mo moments for the Red Sox will have to go on hiatus. Or, at least until J.D. Drew spends his typical stint on the DL. So, by, at the latest, Pena will be back in RF by mid June. This idea that Drew is such a good player really is mind boggling though. He's only played 145 games or more 2 times, and only topped 75 RBI's twice. Injury prone and inconsistent, seems like a guy Red Sox fans will absolutely love.

I Love It When You Call Me Big Papi:

This year, David Ortiz will play first base. Maybe the Greek God will get hurt, maybe not. I have no real reason to think he'll ever be out there, but, why not?

Bold Statement (s):

D. Matsuzaka will ultimately go by D.K. Matsuzaka, following in the line of fellow foreign pitching product B.K. Kim, whose first name should be abbreviated, if in English, with several more points of reference.

Dustin Pedroia's BA will go up, to at least a respectable .245 this season.

Rockin' Out, With Their Clint Hurdle's Out

It must be difficult (or, at least I'd imagine) to rout for the Colorado Rockies. Sure, they won 76 games last year. They were marginally competitive for stretches. But, they've got a manager whose first name comes exceedingly close to the marriage of two slang words for a vagina (not to mention the little facial hair he had under his lip). They also made one move this winter, trading pitcher Jason Jennings to Houston for center fielder Wily Taveras, a move that, by all accounts, made very little sense. So, all in all, it seems like it's the same story, different year for the Rockies.

Let's Be Honest:

This team is going to score a ton of runs this year, no questions asked. Not that this should come as a shock to anyone, but this team is an offensive machine. While I can't defend trading a decent pitcher for a weak center fielder, the acquisition of Wily Taveras does give the Rockies a legit leadoff hitter, a throwback to the Juan Pierre days. Not to mention, they get a full season of healthy Todd Helton.

Of course, the problem will come on the other side of the ball. After Jeff Francis and Aaron Cook, the rotation falls off a cliff, almost literally. Our pal from Baltiore, Roddy Lopez, and a cast of other characters makes it imperative that this team is a juggernaut offensively if they want to win any games.

Trying To Trade The King?:

News out of Colorado has the Rockies trying to shop B.K. Kim. Raise your hand if you find this humorous, on several levels. First of all, what is this guy still doing on a major league roster? Oh, and in case you didn't notice, he's a starter now, so he's not giving up late inning bombs anymore, but spreading the wealth through the first few. In fairness to The King, his ERA away from the unfriendly confines of Colorado was a paltry 6.78. Second of all, and most obviously, who wants this guy? Not that teams don't have players worse than him, but who is actively trying to acquire someone of his talent (or lack thereof)?

Last Name Fun Fact:

While I'm sure this isn't correct, I doubt anyone cares enough to dispute the following factoid. If Chris Iannetta and Troy Tulowitzki win out their respective jobs (C and SS), they will have the most combined letters in their last names out of any SS-C combo in the league. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it.

God Have Mercy on Brian Fuentes:

The man of indistinguishable nationality did a great job as the closer for the Rockies last year, no one is denying that. But, if he gets hurt, look out. The back-up candidates are not only poor choices, but have failed quite notably either elsewhere or in Colorado. Latroy "Sadie" Hawkins is probably Hurdle's first option, not that anyone wants to go there. Then, we have Jeremy Affeldt, a man who was cast aside by the Royals, which has to say something. After that, there's a guy named Ubaldo. Enough said.

Off-Field Drama to Watch For:

In what would usually cost viewers a pay-per-view on HBO, Colorado Rockies faithful will be dutifully treated to a 162 round bout between two heavyweights, Troy Tulowitzki and Clint Barmes. Barmes, not actually a heavyweight, has the support of his fellow Clint manager. Troy, on the other hand, stands in at an Andre-The-Giant-esque 6-3, 205. We'll go with Clint, simply because he wears his hat properly, and because he's engaged to someone in the Rockies front office.

Enough Is Enough Already:

When is everyone going to come to the realization that I have already come to in my mind: Major League baseball can't be played in Colorado. You can't get pitchers to come there, and the hitting is so obviously skewed its nauseating. This team hits over 65 points better at home than on the road, for the last seven seasons. In the past seven years, the team ERA has been under 5.20 once, and that was last year. Do us all a favor, and get this team out of Colorado to a place where it might be able to legitimately compete, or at the very least, expose itself.

Bold Statement (s):

Matt Holliday and Garrett Atkins will both put up eerily similar numbers to this past season, reinforcing two things. One, hitters thrive in Colorado. Two, they are both robots.

Josh Fogg will get struck in the head by a line drive this season, ending his career. (Ed. note: By "get struck in the head by a line drive", we simply mean that his ERA will continue its three year climb and ultimately result in his removal from the league).

Singing The Beltway Blues

If a lack of talent was Sam Perlozzo's club's only problem, one might not feel so bad for the Baltimore Orioles. However, when you look up at the three teams definitively ahead of the O's (Yankees, Red Sox, and Blue Jays in no particular order), you begin to get a sense of the despair in Baltimore. Sure, there are some promising young hitters and a few potential surprise pitchers. But, barring any life-threatening accidents during those 3 teams' travel plans, the Orioles seem destined for another 4th place finish.

Let's Be Honest:

Last year, the hype was around Leo Mazzone. Could the former Braves pitching coach work his magic, turn players like Daniel Cabrera, Erik Bedard and Rodrigo Lopez? Well, the answer was, by and large, a big, stinking N-O. Bedard had a pretty good season, but the other two were downright awful. Lopez was so bad, he had to be shipped to Colorado. Keep in mind folks, this is the same Rodrigo Lopez who started and won the last two Opening Days for the O's. Cabrera, on the other hand, showed flashes of brilliance, sandwiched in between borderline Gulf Coast League performances. Which of these Cabrera's shows up, along with how well Adam Loewen progesses will determine whether or not this team can even think about challenging for 3rd place.

The Hayden Penn Watch:

I'll be the first to admit, I loved this kid. I did. I had him on a deep fantasy league team, and waited all year for him to be called up. Though, when he did, he certainly disappointed. Once heralded as the best prospect in the system, Penn is now an afterthought. In two seasons, he is a combined 3-6, with a era just under 10 (at 9.31), and a whip just above 2 (at 2.03). Not that anyone else even cared about this kid, but we can officially put him to rest, once and for all.

Where's Tom Hanks When You Need Him?:

The reason I ask is because the roster for this team looks like a bunch of castaways, from all over the league. Jay Payton, Aubrey Huff, Jaret Wright, Steve Traschel, and Scott Williamson. They all played for different teams last year, and they all figure to contribute quite heavily this year. Not a good thing to have to plug in that many new players to your lineup and staff.

1st And Forever:

Former first overall pick, Kris Benson has elected to have surgery on his right shoulder, effectively ending his 2007 season before it began. The oft-injured right hander has experienced pain for a while and it makes you wonder how much left he has in his tank.

Share The Wealth:

Last season, Miguel Tejada lead the Orioles in every major offensive category except for steals. As is the case with the pitching staff, if this team wants to think about competing someone else is going to have to step up and help lighten Michael's load. Whether it's Melvin "Five's a Charm" Mora, Aubrey "Don't Get Yourself In A" Huff, or Brian "Don't Call Me Bip" Roberts, someone has to do it.

Bold Statement (s):

Nick Markakis will bring it all together this season, he'll finish with respectable though not world beating numbers. I'd say 290-25-90.

This year's Russ Ortiz and Bruce Chen (aka AL batting practice twice a week) will be Jaret Wright and Steve Traschel. The former walks too many and the latter's ERA has gone up each of the last 5 seasons.

Seeing Red

Fresh off winning last year's World Series, the St. Louis Cardinals are back to try to repeat. They should have their closer, Jason Isringhausen, back by the start of the season. They also have the best hitter in the league playing everyday at firstbase. They also have maybe the best right handed pitcher in the league. So, what's stopping them from doing it again?

Let's Be Honest:

This team did nothing to make themselves better. In fact, they actually made themselves worse. Besides losing Jason Marquis and Jeff Suppan, they also had to move Adam Wainwright to the rotation because Isringhausen will be back. Sounds crazy, doesn't it, that Izzy may hurt this team. But, in reality, with the success that Wainright had last year during their run in the 9th inning job it's not that nuts. They did sign Adam Kennedy, filling the ultimate need for an aging, past-his-prime second basemen.

Reunited:

Speaking of Kennedy, he and shortstop David Eckstein are put together as double play partners once again. The two shared a middle infield for the Angels a few years back. There's no funny, cute joke attached to this one, just legitimate feelings of congratulation for the two pals.

Two's a Crowd?:

Here's the main issue with this team, sure they offer the two best players at their positions (Pujols 0ffense, Carpenter Pitching), but after them, that's about it. There isn't a scary hitter on this team outside of Pujols. Edmonds is filing for social security by the All-Star Break, and hasn't hit over .265 since 2004. Rolen, in all fairness, has put together a few good seasons, but isn't the feared player he was supposed to become. Outside of them, who scares you? Chris "Don't Call Me Hines" Duncan? Or maybe Juan "One Under God" Encarnacion?

The pitching staff features a overhyped right hander, a man who had a blod clot in his right arm only a season ago, and a former closer who couldn't close. Recipe for success, if you ask me.

Saga To Follow:

That former closer is Braden Looper. Mr. Looper, of Mets and Marlins fame, could potentially work his way into the starting rotation for this team. The idea he's even being considered for a Major League roster spot is laughable on its own merits. Compound that with the fact that he may be a starter for a team coming of a WS victory, and you have a full blown comedy. Has Tony LaRussa ever heard of Byung-Hyun Kim, or Danny Graves?

First Cardinals Pitcher To Get Marquis'd:

One would go naturally with Looper, but that'd be like throwing at the fat kid during recess or choosing the ADD kid for the spelling bee. Also, I doubt he'll be around long enough to achieve that sort of infamy. I could also say Ryan Franklin, but I'll go with Kip Wells because he'll be there the whole season barring another blod clot.

Where Have You Gone:

Mark Mulder, former ace of the Oakland A's, is nowhere to be found. He's been gone long enough to declare legally dead. Basically, his arm stopped working last season. Sure, it was only one season, and he did have a 97-50 record coming into that season. Yet, after surgery and with no guaranteed starting spot, this guy seems to have completely lost control on his career.

Bold Statement (s):

This team will finish in 2nd place, battling for it with the Brewers.

I've read this somewhere else, but I'll say it again here, Albert Pujols will win the Triple Crown. Barring a freak Freddy Sanchez-type season, its very possible.

Adam Wainwright won't dissappoint, he'll win 14-18.

Tony LaRussa, in another one of his stunts, will shock the baseball world, and wind up winning a few games by batting a pitcher in the 4 hole. When asked why after a game, he'll simply respond with, "it worked when Jason Marquis hit 8th, and Anthony Reyes is at least twice the pitcher he is"

From The Bay Area And Back Down, Cali Is Wit It With They Mack Down

Another team, another new manager. This time, we welcome long time Billy Beane buddy Bob Geren (any more B-words?) to the Big Show (there you go). Expect this team to run more than they did under Ken Macha, though they won't be leading the division in steals any time soon. Ultimately though, the question with this team, and this organization, revolves around how they'll deal with the idea with the seemingly annual lose of a franchise player.

Let's Be Honest:

This team won't miss Barry Zito that much. True, someone is going to have to throw those innings. But, even with him, they wouldn't be that good. They're not better than the Angels, not on paper at least. Figure Rich Harden to be healthy for a full season, and expect big things. Why this season? I have no idea, just a gut feeling. And, as this heading says, let's be honest here, Dan Haren and Joe Blanton are more than capable, not to mention that Mr. Zito hasn't been a pitcher worth missing (esp. not at a price of tag of 18 mil. per) since 2002.

Time To Step It Up:

Eric Chavez. Enough with this guy, already. It's been 3 years of average to poor play. If he's really the top-tier 3B everyone likes to think he is, it's about time he shows it.

Number One Reason Why ROY Means Nothing:

Bobby Crosby, ROY in 2004, has played 180 games over his last 2 seasons. Not that this should come as a shock to anyone, but this guy stinks. The ROY season wasn't even an aberration--he batted .239. He can't hit, and he can't stay healthy. Sounds like a real winner to me.

New Addition To The All How-Is-This-Guy-Still-A-Major-Leaguer Category:

Catcher Jason Kendall must have naked pictures of Billy Beane with farm animals, because there simply is no other explanation as to how he is still a Major League, starting catcher. Yes, he hits for a good average. But so do second basemen. The man has hit 4 homeruns in his last 450 games. Enough said.

The Over/Under Bullpen:

Why is it called that? Simply because everyone not named Huston or Justin has a 2 month O/U set for when they'll be cut. Alan Embree. Jay Witasick. Chad Gaudin. If you can't cut it with Tampa Bay, shouldn't that say something?

It's Only A Matter of Time Before...:

Mike Piazza returns to his bully pulpit (the catcher's position). Sure, he signed as a DH. But, there is always the chance Jason Kendall, Adam Melhuse, and Jeremy Brown are all injured. Or, that they're all not good enough to catch everyday. Wait, that last part is true already. So, I guess us Pizza man fans will have to wait for a serious string of injuries.

Milton Bradley goes crazy again, throwing a lawn chair at a fan or lighting a bench coach's uniform on fire. The man is insane, and not that good of a ball player to justify it. Wouldn't you just rather have a steriod user? Randy Velarde, anyone?

Bold Statement (s):

• Nick Swisher will hit 40 homers.


• Dan Haren and Rich Harden both will win 15 games.


• No one will accurately pronounce Bob Geren's name (hard of soft G?), until he snaps mid season and pulls a Milton Bradley, taking his frustration out on an unsuspecting Oakland Tribune writer.

Deep Sea Fishing

With a new manager at the helm, the Florida Marlins look to improve on a 78 win season which saw them play at a much higher level than most expected. Don’t try to say Joey G. didn’t do a good job. He did. Upper Management didn’t like Joe. So, we now usher in the Fredi Gonzalez error. Uh, era.

Let’s Be Honest:
This is a really young team. Really, really young. Before we crown this as the best pitching staff in the major leagues, can we please recognize the fact that, outside of Dontrelle Willis, the other 4 starters had started a grand total of 5 games prior to last season. Great young arms? Yessir. But, let’s wait and see.

Same goes for the offense. Outside of the senior member of the lineup, Mr. Cabrera, most are young (though promising) players. Again, bear that in mind before heralding this lineup.

Biggest Mistake:
Firing Joe Giradi. Note to Marlin management: Joe’s a great manager, who got the best of out of a young team. Bad job.

Taylor Me Purple:
How on earth did this team not go out and find a closer? Maybe Sweaty Joe Bo wasn’t the best answer, but he was an answer (36 saves). Maybe Taylor T. could do the job. Maybe. But that does seem like a bit much to ask out of a man that’s pitched only 40-some-odd innings in his major league career. Starting to sense a theme here?

Saga To Follow:
Aaron Boone follows the road less traveled, learns a knuckle ball, and cracks the Marlins bullpen. While this is highly unlikely, what are the odds he gets playing time over Cabrera or even Hermida or Willingham? Not great.

D-Train D-railed?:
Most likely not. If he hasn’t been traded yet, why now? The rumors should be there, they always are. But, in the words of Chris “Mad Dog” Russo, show some guts Florida management and hold on to the kid.

Bold Statement(s):
Miggy Cabrera will win the NL batting title.

Injuries to starters will force men named Yusmiero and Sergio into the starting rotation at least temporarily.

Alex Sanchez, back on steroids, will make the club as the team’s starting CF (over Reggie “And Fitch” Abercrombie). He will proceed to blast 3 HRs, score 120, and steal 65, all while batting a steady .255. (Only a few of these things will happen).