Recently, a certain movie containing a certain pirate made a certain amount of record breaking money. Yes, folks, the movie I am referring to is "Pirates of the Carribean 2: Dead Man's Chest". Easily, this ranks as one of the greatest pieces of film in cinematic history. Ever.
The uber-action sequel starring Johnny Depp, Orlando Bloom, and Keira Knightley has made over 135 million dollars at the box office thus far. It hasn't been out for more than two weeks.
While "Pirates" is by no means a quickie (2 hours and 25 minutes, running time), every second is well worth it. I recently found myself at a movie theater, enjoying each thrill, joke, and Keira Knightley push-up bra.
Cap'n Jack does'nt disappoint, and the movie leaves you at such a cliffhanger that your only excuse for not seeing the third installment in the series would be an unfortunate and untimely death.
However, seeing the movie got me to thinking about actually being a pirate. What a life that would be, no?
Imagine, if you will, being able to travel around the world, and just straight up steal shit from people. You don't have to have a reason, you don't have to have a conscience. All you do is pillage and plunder.
Old-school pirate lore includes rape in the pillage and plunder line, but with contemporary laws as they are, we are inclined to leave rape off the list of advantages of being a pirate.
Granted, most pirates don't have the best hygiene. However, that doesn't have to be the case if you are the kind of guy that doesn't like, well, stinking up the joint. Pirates can make their own rules, live by their own laws. While it would be strange for a pirate to wear a three piece suit, who is honestly going to question the man that has you at gun point, your wife bent over, and your expensive stuff in a burlap sack?
Another benefit of being a pirate: you have the constant opportunity to outsmart the coppers. Internationally, you would be known as a menace to society. Something that law officers hate, women love, and men desire to be. You get to drop lines like, "You'll always remember the day you almost caught, Captain Dexter Mclean". If, of course, Dexter Mclean, if your pirate name.
Thats another thing, you have free reign to change your name to what would best suit a pirate. Scott Spinelli, not going to cut it as a pirate name. I'm not sure what I'd go with, but I'm leaning towards getting the world "arbuckle" in their. It screams pirate, to me at least.
Also, if sailing isn't your thing, you could always be a land pirate. Cruising around in a Jeep, packing stuff into your van. Wow. It's all too exciting, isn't it?
Let's not forget about your first mate. Is there a better friend in the whole world? I think not. Except for a willing to try anything, tag-along Jessica Simpson, the first mate stands alone as man's true best friend. This is a man that, despite his being a bit smarter than you, never asserts authority. Never wants to be the captain. Only, wants to serve you. Suggesting what to do at some points, waiting for your orders to follow at others. And, let's not forget, saying "Aargh" more times than you could shake a stick at.
So, here's to being a pirate. Here's to saying the word "matey" and spitting into spitoons. Here's to stealing, and plundering, and pillaging. Here's to wearing the same pair of torn jeans for 3 weeks straight. And, here's to being a swashbuckling. Whatever that means.
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