The Next Contestant on Catch a Beatdown

Announcer: Come on down....we're looking for the next contestant on Catch a Beatdown!!!
(Camera scans the crowd, filled with overweight grandmothers, retired uncles, all of whom are wearing gigantic Best Buy tags with their name scribbled on them. Amongst the smiling faces there is one mug that sticks out like a black guy at a KKK meeting. His name is John Gibbons. And this is his story)

Gibbons is a man of fair complexion, dark hair. One can find him, on most nights, in the Toronto Blue Jays dugout, managing the club in waterproof overshirt. Yet, that isn't the case every night.

"Gibby", as his players have been known to call him, grew up in Great Falls, Montana in the 60's and 70's. His father was a travelling underarm deodorant salesman, his mother a cook in the local milita. Times were hard for young J.M. Gibbons. He barely knew his father; to this day his fondest memory of his dad is a scent--Old Spice. His mother was always physically around, but it was well documented in Great Falls that she was in the opening stages of Alzheimers when John was 12 and that she had a penchant for sleeping around.

Some nights, baseball was John's only salvation. Even then, it wasn't enough. He tells a story of living at home, being raised mainly by his five brothers in the absences of his father and forgetful mother.

"My brothers were much, much older than I was. Naturally, they were much stronger and bigger than I was as well. Often, I'd get my ass beat simply by looking at one of them the wrong way. One time we were all home after dinner and my eldest brother Conrad realized that I had forgotten to reshingle the roof. The five of them pounced on me like I was a piece of steak. Punching, kicking, verbal abuse...I endured it all."

Rough, indeed.

Nevertheless, John continued to mature. While he still, to this day, has never been with a woman, he did wind up going to college. After flunking out of a local junior college, John decided to pursue his life long dream-major league baseball.

Drafted in 1980, Gibbons lasted a lustrious decade in the bigs. As a catcher for the Mets, John batted .220 with one homerun and 2 RBI's (not to mention 16 K's) in 50 career at-bats. Finally, in 1990, John hung up his cletes, and decided to wait for the call from the big boys in Cooperstown.

Although his phone is still waiting to ring on that front, he did recieve a phone call from J.P. Riccardi. Mirroring his playing career, John started out as a bullpen catcher for the Jays. Then, after a series of successful warmups, he moved up to 1st basecoach. Ever-persistent, John was magnificent in his new role. Taking players batting gear, having idle chatter with opposing first basemen, John excelled. So much so, Riccardi finally gave him the keys to the car in 2004, and then extended him for three more years in 2005. As far as Gibbons was concerned, it was a long time coming.

"You know, some in Toronto weren't happy with the decision to put me into the manager's seat. Strangely, there was a gigantic Carlos Tosca contingent just north of the border. At any rate, I knew what I was capable of. I was expecting to be moved to third base before becoming the head honcho, but whatever...I was ready to take this team to where it needs to go. We needed to get tougher around here, and that's what I'm about to do."

And so he did. What very few know about John Gibbons is that he is not, by nature, a violent man. While his dealings with players on his own team may dispute that fact, his closest friends know him as peaceful man that enjoys bike riding and Magic the Gathering more than anything else in the world.

However, there is something about that Toronto air that simply drives John Gibbons crazy. When that fragrant maple air enters his nostrils, he turns into Satan's spawn. Unaware that it is unprofessional to simply beat up your own players, John has bucked the trend. While managers like Joe Torre, Terry Francona and Tony LaRussa try to build working relationships with players, Gibbons is not only challenging players to fights, but also getting his ass kicked.

No one has been able to find the exact reasoning behind Gibbons' most recent implosions (Shea Hillenbrand and Ted Lilly). Could it be the air? How about the fact that the Jays have fallen 9.5 games out of first in the AL East? Or maybe, just maybe, could it be that John Gibbons is a psycho?

I'll opt for the latter.

Earlier in the year, news out of Toronto made it seem as if Shea Hillenbrand was the thug. Scribbling on a message board that the Jays were "a sinking ship". A month or so later it seems that Shea may have been on to something.

The team can't win a game unless Roy Halladay is on the rubber, and even then there's no guarantees. One of the other Jays pitchers, lefty hurler Ted Lilly, felt the wrath of Mr. Gibbons earlier this week.

After giving up 7 runs in 2.1 innings, John Gibbons came out to pull the plug. Even Ray Charles could have read Lilly's lips, he didn't want to come out of the game. The two argued for a bit, and finally Lilly relented, and left the mound, proceeding directly into the tunnel. Gibbons, instead of letting things cool off, decided the best course of action would be to follow his disgruntled player. Looking for trouble, Gibbons wound up with a bloody nose after the alleged fight. Alleged? Yeah right. Although no one admitted to a fight, we all know what happened. Unless of course, Gibbons went into the clubhouse and took the back of his head and smashed it into the wall. Doubt that.

Here's the problem, John Gibbons is a certified wackjob. Nutcase. Insane. Whatever word you want to use to describe the Jays skipper, it certainly isn't capable. Not only is Gibbons losing the loyalty of his players by acting like the clubhouse bully, but he's also losing games.

The message to J.P. Riccardi is clear: After your manager tries to fight more than one player, he's got to go. It can't be that both players have such a problem. Who's the common denominator? Exactly.